What We're Eating - A Food & Recipe Blog » fish

Ready to Talk: My Story of Obesity

Amanda — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 20:08:34 +0000

That was me. Just over two years ago (May 2009) and over 110 pounds ago. This is such a hard, emotionally raw topic for me that I’ve written dozens of posts about it over the past year and discarded them all. But I really want to start sharing my story as I begin work on my newest project – a low-cal, full-flavor cookbook (which I haven’t gone so far as to look for a publisher yet but imma get on that part real soon).

I’ll share a little background with you… by sixth grade I was 180 lbs. By 18 I was pushing 200. By 29 I was 265 (ish… that was the last time I stepped on a scale months before I started losing weight. Probably a little higher than that in reality but I wasn’t able to face it.) I’ve been “overweight” or “obese” the majority of my life. As a kid, my mom always said “oh the allergy shots you had at 7 years old made you gain weight” but lets face it, eating large portions of unhealthy food mixed with a lack of exercise are what really made me gain weight and continue my upward course. It’s so. Effing. Hard to change your habits, regardless of what they are – eating, drinking, smoking, exercise, etc. It’s so easy to say, whatever, I’m fat, this sucks, there’s no end in sight. No way to imagine how to shed 100+ lbs. Shit, it’s hard to even own up to the fact that you need to lose 100+lbs. Nobody starts off life at 265lbs, but over the years somehow you just wake up one day and it’s gotten to that point. And you don’t like looking in the mirror. And you don’t like stepping on the scale. And you can’t stand photos of yourself or, god forbid, video.

Me, also from July 2009, on a trip Tyler and I took to Chicago.

Having been overweight for nearly all of the first 30 years of my life, I know exactly how people treat you. In grade school you get called names like “thunder thighs” or the likes there of (that one still echos clearly in my mind), as you get older people just stop looking you in the eyes. Everyone makes judgments or assumptions on the type of person you must be to have “let yourself” get to that point. I even had a local vendor at the Ocean Beach farmer’s market say to me “Yeah, you should definitely eat some more [grapefruit] and lay off the french fries” as I went to sniff the citrus at his stand. Another time when I was a personal chef in Rancho Santa Fe, I went to buy some beef jerky for the family I was working for and asked a store clerk for help finding it. He took me to the tofu jerky section, aisles away from the actual beef jerky section, and said, “I think this would be better for your needs”. Really? Do you know my needs? Because I “needs” to keep my freaking job and buy beef jerky for my client. Don’t assume, people. (Sorry, 2+ years later, it’s still as raw as if it had happened yesterday.) If you’re overweight, or have ever been overweight, you have undoubtedly shared similar experiences. It sucks. People are mean. I, personally, consider myself a judgment-free zone. (If you know me, this is a phrase you are well-familiar with.) In all situations, not just regarding weight, I try not to judge other peoples actions, choices or lifestyles. Nobody knows what life situations anyone else has been through to evolve and shape them into what/who they are today. Just be nice and treat people with respect and love.

So, August of 2009 my two best friends from high school came to visit with their significant others. My friend Cristin’s husband happens to be obsessed with video documenting all aspects of their life (which I love/hate). We were on the beach and he, unbeknownst to me, took video footage of the day. Later that evening he plugged his camera up to our TV and started playing the recording. There I was, 265+ lbs, IN A BATHING SUIT ON A BIG SCREEN TV!!! I was mortified. It took all of my self-control not to run into the bathroom and start bawling. It’s one thing when you never have to see yourself and avoid mirrors, it’s another when your moving, breathing image, in a damn bathing suit, gets slapped up onto a big screen. No way to avoid the truth.

Just a couple of weeks before my friend, Nicole, had started the Couch to 5K program – a jogging program that lasts for 9 weeks and starts off with you jogging for 60 second intervals at a time and works you up to jogging for 30 minutes straight (or 5K) by the end of the program. Though I had always said I would never be a jogger, I begrudgingly started the program alongside her. Not gonna lie – in the beginning I didn’t even know if I was going to make it through the entire 60 seconds of jogging. But each week I continued to surprise myself and was able to succeed at increasing the length of the intervals on schedule with the program, though some weeks that meant pushing myself more than others. About half way through, the flip switched in my head. You know what? I can do this. And that’s the thing! It’s all in our freaking heads! When your inner dialogue is filled with “I can’t run for 5 minutes” “I can’t say no to that slice of pizza” “there is no way I’m ever going to shed 100 lbs” “I’m fat, I’m ugly, even I don’t want to look at me, how can anyone else” all of these negative thoughts just constantly circling over and over and over, yeah – you know what? YOU NEVER WILL BE ABLE TO MAKE ANY CHANGES. You have to believe in your ability to do it first. It’s going from having an “I can’t attitude” to an “I can” that allows change to happen. Seriously – I truly believe that anyone can do anything if they really put their mind to it and STICK WITH IT! No, nothing will change overnight. It’s thought patterns that have allowed us to reach the weight that we’re at and it’s thought patterns that will similarly allow you to make healthy changes in your lifestyle. That’s the problem with weight-loss surgery as a “solution” and why such a high proportion of people who have it continue to struggle with their weight even afterward. The real problems come from our relationship with food and why, for whatever personal reasons, we over eat.

September 2009, about a month after starting the Couch to 5K program.

Personal reasons aside, weight-loss happens when you burn more calories then you are consuming. That means that a) you should be aware of absolutely everything that you eat and b) you should be aware of how much you are burning! There are some really great online tools these days that allow you to do this super easily and quickly. The one that I’ve been using for the past couple of years is The Daily Plate (which livestrong.com eventually picked up). You put in your height, weight, age, gender, etc, and then tell it how active you are and what your weight-loss goals are and it tells you how many calories per day you can eat an still achieve your goals. BUT BE HONEST! By claiming to a machine that you worked out more than you did, move more in your day to day life, or don’t record your honest caloric in-take, the only person you are cheating (and trying to fool) is yourself! I, personally, didn’t share (and still don’t) my account with anyone. I find it easier to be upfront with my slip-ups when it’s only my eyes that see what I’ve eaten. Hiding what I’d eaten is part of what got me to 265 in the first place. Having an honest relationship with myself about the amount of food I am honestly consuming has allowed me to continue eating bacon every day, or a serving of insanely rich mac & cheese or devilishly delicious peanut butter mousse brownie pie and still continue on a downward track from 265 to 153 over the past two years. Shit, I wrote and ate a cookbook on food porn after I started my weight-loss journey. Yes, some days I eat more than what the calorie counter says I should (hello football game days!), but I don’t hate myself for it and I don’t give up! I just log it in, sigh, then try to do better the next day… and the next day… and the next day.

Also – one thing that I really want to touch on before I move on is the importance of not making unrealistic goals! Sure on reality tv shows where you have a trainer whipping your ass 6 days a week, no job to focus on or kids/spouse’s mouths to feed it’s possible to lose 8 or 10 lbs in a week. That’s an insane and unrealistic goal in the real world. From the beginning, I never set goals of more than 2 lbs a week. Two pounds is an attainable goal for someone with a significant amount of weight to lose. When you set a goal that you can actually reach, you can accomplish it, feel great about it and set a goal for the next week. If you set unattainable goals you are just going to reinforce that “I can’t” attitude as opposed to reprogramming your brain into an “I can” state of mind.

Taken on my first vacation to my new home, Rincon, January 2011

So why am I now, after two years on this journey, sharing my story with you guys? Well, I’m finally getting comfortable with my new self, and trust that I am not going to return to my old way of life. I mean, I spent nearly 30 years obese. I was really scared for a long time that I would be just another statistic and revert back to my old habits. After two years of building positive habits I no longer have that fear. I believe in myself and my ability to maintain control of my life and eating habits. But more importantly, food is what I love. It’s what I live for. Beyond that, it’s my livelihood. I run two websites dedicated to food and write cookbooks. I’ve always wanted to spend my life doing something to help others and right now, I feel like I have a great opportunity. I know that I have a low-cal cookbook in me that will show that getting healthy doesn’t mean you have to give up things like bacon or cheese or chocolate. It just means learning correct portion sizes, feeding your metabolism regularly and moving a little.

Less than a month ago – after we cristened our new-to-us Puerto Rico car with stickers. Dang it, Rincon!

Yes, I will continue to post desserts and high calorie content foods on this site, because true to my life, I will continue to make and eat them. But I’ll do so along side of healthy, delicious recipes. I hope you guys will continue along this journey with me. I have about twenty more pounds until I reach my goal weight, and these last twenty are the hardest. Let’s all be accountabilibuddies, through the good, the bad, the mac & cheeses and the bean & corn salads. If anybody needs support, I’m here. If you’re just beginning your journey and need an ear or want to chat, not in a public forum feel free to email me rather than comment below. (My email is at the bottom of the about page!) Or, alternately, let’s start a community of support. We all need someone to give us a push when we aren’t feeling it, or uplift us when our inner dialogue is weighing us down!

Eating healthy can be EFFING delicious.

You know I couldn’t do this post without sharing a healthy recipe, right? The super flavorful baked spiced tilapia filets with black bean and corn salad & tangy fresh tomatillo salsa verde below serves four and rings in at 373 calories per serving! So good it’ll make you wanna slap yo’ mama but so healthy that you won’t feel guilty about cleaning your plate. (Now you might feel guilty about slapping yo’ mama, but that’s a whole different story!)

Recipes in this post:

Spicy Baked Tilapia with Black Bean and Corn Salad and Salsa Verde

Knorr Contest Entry: Seared Mahi w/ Chorizo, Poblano & Caramelized Onion Stuffing & Roasted Garlic Tomatillo Sauce

Amanda — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 17:00:20 +0000

Oooo! Oooo! Pick me! I'm deeeeee-icious! ;)

We’re eating seared mahi mahi with chorizo, roasted poblano, caramelized onion sourdough stuffing drizzled with roasted garlic tomatillo sauce and garnished with a watercress salad tossed in a lime vinaigrette.

I’m super excited! SUPER! You heard me right. I am in the process of moving (semi-permanently) to Puerto Rico!!!, leaving my beloved San Diego behind. Technically I’ve actually been out of San Diego for a month now, traveling around the States visiting friends, old and new. I’ve only been away this short time and I already miss San Diego So Freaking Much. I was in the middle of having one of those nostalgic moments when an email popped into my inbox a few weeks ago from Blogher describing a Knorr contest calling for bloggers to develop a recipe using their new Homestyle Stock Concentrates. Now, normally a recipe contest doesn’t really get me going, but the prize for this one… oh the sweet sweet prize for this contest sure did! The top eight contestants will be cooking their recipes live at the Blogher 2011 convention in SAN DIEGO!!!! What! What! For me, that would mean a free trip home! I can’t imagine a better prize! I mean, other than a really large sum of money that would allow me to travel all over the world, San Diego included. That would rock too.

Anyway, the recipe below is my entry for this contest. I diluted the chicken stock concentrate with freshly squeezed orange juice and water then used it in both the chorizo, poblano & caramelized onion sourdough stuffing as well as in my roasted garlic tomatillo sauce. I really hope that the judges like this as much as my dinner guests did so that I’m given a chance to fly back home to San Diego in September and join all the awesome folks at the Blogher Conference and be a member of the Knorr Four Panel!

Recipes in this post:

Lick-ably Delicious Seared Sea Bass and Date-Bacon-Sherry Broth

Amanda — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 18:32:30 +0000

Plates were licked in the clean-up of this meal.

We’re eating seared local white sea bass with a roasted date, smoky bacon, toasted almond and sherry broth served with crusty seedy sourdough baguette.

Living three blocks from the ocean in San Diego definitely has its perks – fresh local fish is high on this list. Unfortunately with that close proximity to the ocean comes the transitional “May Gray and June Gloom.” In other words, it’s cool and cloudy nearly every day during these months while most of the country is enjoying a toasty warm summer. I really can’t bitch too much about the weather here, mainly because for the other 10 months it’s sunny and warm, but dammit if I don’t miss the humid sweltering summer heat of the South. Without the heat I continue to cook meals like this well into the summer when most people think that turning on a stove or an oven sounds like the worst idea ever! Regardless of the weather, both T and I thought this was an outrageously delicious preparation of fish and couldn’t get enough of the accompanying sauce, which was sopped up with crusty seedy sourdough bread. If you can stand the heat, get in the kitchen and make this dish! You won’t be sorry, I promise.

Recipes in this post:

Seared Sea Bass with Roasted Date, Bacon, Almond and Sherry Broth

Seared Mahi in Slow-Roasted Tomato-Tarragon Broth

Seared Mahi in Slow-Roasted Tomato-Tarragon Broth

Amanda — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 15:56:34 +0000

Keep your hands off my fish, foo!

We’re eating simply seasoned mahi mahi that was seared and placed on a bed of roasted green beans and fennel sitting in a pool of slow roasted tomato and tarragon broth.

Here at WWE, we love fish. No. Really. You’re not taking me seriously enough. WE FREAKING LOVE FISH. Like, the kind of love that has you growling animalistically at anyone who appears to be eyeballing your plate. Or the kind of love where the first thing you do when you get a fat paycheck is run to the fish market and see what is the freshest, nicest piece of fish you can get your grubby hands on. Yup. That pretty much explains the love of fish that both T and I share. It’s this love that most often leads me to simply seasoning whatever sea creatures I purchase with only salt and pepper then cooking them either by searing, broiling or grilling to let the flavor of the fish really shine. Now, don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying I dislike marinated, blackened, glazed or encrusted fish, but for me, if the fish is fresh I want to savor that delightful, flaky, moist poisson without being overwhelmed with other flavors.

What’s that you say? My tomato-tarragon broth and my roasted fennel and green beans will overwhelm the fish? Nonsense! Note that the fish is left on top so that the diner is left to choose how each bite will enter his/her mouth. You have the option of getting all of the flavors together in one bite, or just eating the fish separately. I have to admit I did a little bit of both. Frankly, the broth was so good that T mentioned he could drink it. This is a great one to make before the tomato season ends for this year. I hope you guys enjoy it as much as we did.

(p.s. – As always, we’d love to hear any feedback in the comments section if anyone makes this dish.)

Recipes in this post:

Mahi Mahi with Cherry Chipotle Beurre Blanc

Amanda — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 03:54:41 +0000

Trust me... the sauce is not as sweet as it looks.

We’re eating seared mahi mahi served on top of sauteed corn and green beans seasoned with cilantro, lime juice and bacon. The plate was finished with a mildly spicy fresh cherry chipotle beurre blanc.

Both Tyler and I have a weakness for all seafood. If it were more affordable or if we had a fishing rod we would probably eat fish nearly every single day. Fortunately for all of the sea creatures living a couple of blocks from our apartment, we don’t! What we do have is access to several great fish markets. On the way home from work I was able to swing in and pick up a piece of mahi that I was told had been swimming around in the ocean earlier this morning. Now that’s my kind of fresh seafood.

The mahi was incredibly moist and tender on the inside while still golden and crisp on the outside. Tyler was initially hesitant about the cherry beurre blanc but after he tasted it he said he loved it. While it may look otherwise, the sauce is neither particularly sweet nor spicy. Just a nice balance of fresh fruit, rich butter, lime and vermouth with a hint of smokiness from the chipotle puree. This was definitely a dish we would love to have again!

Recipes in this post:

Freaking Fantastic Fish

Us — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 06:18:46 +0000

Marinated with kalamata olives and other goods

Sometimes it’s fun to splurge a little on nice ingredients. This piece of halibut was quite a splurge but well worth it. We’re eating thick halibut filets marinated with lemon zest, fresh oregano, shallots, kalamata olives, anchovy paste, and olive oil. The halibut was broiled and served on top of a mix of seasoned sauteed onions, chicory, and corn. Finally the dish was finished with a drizzle of lemon oregano vinaigrette.

T: this fish was amazing. The fish itself had such a fine, sweet flavor. I don’t know what you did to make this happen, but it was outrageously good to my ‘buds.
A: tell ya ‘buds i said ya welcome.
T: i did, they said thank you very much. They started to write a thank you note, and I was like “this is too weird.”
A: seriously dude. now i’m weirded out. youse need to to keep your ‘buds in check… yo.
T: are you still the same scary new yorker?

Broiled halibut with sauteed chicory and corn

A: hehehhehe i think i fell out of character for a moment there then hopped back in. anywho, i have to agree. this was a killa dish. everything was in perfect harmony.
T: seriously. The corn, greens, fish, lemon zest, caramelized onions, [ other stuff ]. And the anchovy was barely there, but made the whole thing really sing. Ooooohwweee.
A: boy…have you been listenin’ to that zydeco music?
T: a little bit, although it hasn’t caused me to type in quite the accented way that it has for you. Alright, rating… I give it a 4.9/5. Unreal flavor combo. Halibut is an amazing fish, and you did it lots o’ justice. I’m ready to chant your name right now.
A: alright… lets see it.
T: well I was ready until you asked for it. Now you’re not getting shit…. ok, umm, no, still can’t do it.
A: hehehehe… okay a-hole. now i can’t believe anything you say. anywho, i do agree with your rating. I give it a 4.85/5. these are freaking high scores for us. it was really that good. it’s amazing what subtle nuances the anchovies give it that really do make the dish. all of the main elements are allowed to shine but in an enhanced fashion. mmm mmmmmmm…..
T: yeah, anchovies are like the new bacon, omg.
A: omgeeeeee, like for reeeeeeeeeal!
T: woah there.

Recipes in this post:

Something Smells Like Fish…It’s My Taco!

Us — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 03:56:11 +0000

Mmm... catfish tacos

What do you get when you stick a couple of Louisianians in Southern California: Catfish Tacos! For dinner we’re eating tacos made with baked catfish seasoned with cumin and chile powder, finely shredded cabbage, diced avocado, a tangy white sauce, monteray jack, and whole cilantro leaves on soft white corn tortillas. A fresh coleslaw dressed with some of the tangy and slightly spicy “white sauce” accompanied the meal to round things out.

T: These were some of the best damn fish tacos I’ve ever had. They were outrageously good. Damn, girl.
A: preach it brotha! i thought they were pretty rocking myself. i think the main key with fish tacos is to not over-cook the damn fish! and to season it properly, of course.
T: Cook it right and season it right. I’ll try to remember that.
A: simple enough, huh?

Good coleslaw

T: whatever you did to make that happen, it was a beautiful thing. I wonder if they would have been as good with some other kind of fish…
A: absolutely… as long as the fish is cooked well and seasoned well! we’re getting repetitive here, t-dog!
T: you’re getting repetitive, woman. Either way, the catfish was awesome. So was the cole slaw. I’m giving the tacos a rating of 4.78/5. The coleslaw wasn’t quite up to a 4.78, but it can coast by because of how amazing the tacos were.
A: coast by?!? i thought the coleslaw was great! it was zippy… it was tangy… it was way better than like… oh 99% of the coleslaws i’ve had in my day.
T: it was still just coleslaw, though.
A: who doesn’t love some good raw cabbage? you’re a freak if you say you don’t…. freak.
T: i didn’t say I don’t… you’re jumping to conclusions, missy. I do enjoy raw cabbage, but let’s get serious. It’s a lower level of food. If you would like I can lay out the hierarchy of foods, beginning with bacon…
A: please do.
T: Alright, it goes a little something like this:

                              Bacon

                Cheese    Gumbo    Duck    Curry

     FISH TACOS    Cheeseburgers    Pickles    Sausage         

other    other    other    other    COLESLAW    other    other

It’s ok if you disagree with that, but you’re wrong if you do.
A: ooookay! we’ve established that you’re a freak. moving on! Well, i don’t rank coleslaw and other veggie goodness at the bottom of my food-goodness pyramid, so the coleslaw in this meal didn’t detract from my score at all. I give the meal overall a rating of 4.68/5. It was freaking good….all of it. i am soooo on an at-home taco kick right now. they are just so easy! and so tasty! and so quick! and… and… and….
T: and located one level above raw cabbage on the food pyramid. I was just thinking… what do you think about making some homemade tortillas sometime?
A: heheheh remember the last time i tried to make tortillas?!? we ended up eating our carnitas on endive! but i think you’re right. i really should go after it again. i’ve learned some technique tips since then.
T: …. let’s make sure we have some endive.

Recipes in this post:

White Sauce (for fish tacos)

Honey, the Corn Exploded on Our Tilapia

Us — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 18:57:50 +0000

Tilapia, collard greens, grits, sausage, corn explosion

Some times you just have to return to your roots. That’s exactly why tonights dinner is an ode to the South. We’re eating baked tilapia fillets simply seasoned with kosher salt and freshly cracked black pepper. The tilapia is served on a bed of garlic sage yellow corn grits and braised collard greens then topped with sauteed corn, red peppers, onions, hot italian sausage, parsley, and sage.

Tasty tilapiaT: there was a lot going on with this dish.
A: heheheh yeah… maybe too much. it definitely looked like a tornado had deposited random shit all over the plate.
T: it looked like a las vegas christmas special exploded onto the scene.
A: thank god it didn’t taste like a las vegas christmas special explosion. i actually thought it was all really quite tasty. i enjoyed taking a bite with all the different elements but there were perhaps a few too many for that to be an easy task!
T: I think the corn was the straw that broke the camels back for me. It put it over the top. The fish was quite tasty, the collard greens were awesome, the sausage was delish, and the grits were scrumdiddilyumptious.
A: really? for me the corn part of the dish was really what enhanced the whole meal. i really liked the bright sweetness of the corn and bell peppers in contrast with the savory italian sausage and fish. i liked the collards alright but you know… they were still a little bitter and i just slightly overdid it with the sherry vinegar. together i thought it all tasted nice and balanced. still WAY too much going on though. i agree with that.
T: yeah. Folks have certainly eaten way worse than this. So… what do you rate the meal?
A: man, you know, i want to rate it high because i thoroughly enjoyed it and ate every single bite, but the overkill has to lower my rating some… i give this meal a 4.25/5. maybe if i had omitted the grits and toned down the sherry vinegar it would have gotten a super high score.
T: For me the meal would have gotten a higher score if the corn medley had been omitted. I would give each item a high score by itself, but I give the meal as a whole a 3.9/5. It just didn’t seem as cohesive as most of what you make. Tasty, but crowded.
A: yeah, four items was a crowd, but i disagree on the cohesion factor. i thought the elements went well together for the most part. when i had envisioned this meal, in my mind it was a really small portion with small neat layers of each of the items… kind of like the sea scallop app we blogged about last year. this thing just grew way out of control.
T: anytime corn, chopped up red peppers, and pieces of ground meat are poured over the top there’s the risk of it looking… digested.
A: eloquently put.
T: It is risky to pour it over the top of an already-full plate. We learn something new every other day.
A: sadly, i think today was the off day.